I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
