Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
