She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
