Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
