i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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