we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
