he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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