I looked at my own cervix.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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