Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
