____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
