i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
