I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
