we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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