i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
