the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
