Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
