From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize