the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
