I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I should be sponsored by Trojan
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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