Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
