Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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