1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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