I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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