She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
