You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
