The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
