That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
