I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just high enough for therapy.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
