it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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