I puked a lego.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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