ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize