She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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