i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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