It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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