Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize