Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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