i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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