I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
