I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So many bounce houses so little time
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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