nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
