My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
