yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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