I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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