ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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