Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
