Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
