haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
