Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize