i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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