Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
