I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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