I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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