omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
