ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
