he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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