Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize