I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize