My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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