The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
